RAGE!

NOTE:The writer was under immense emotional trauma when this piece was written.You would understand if you too had gone to gold class in PVR for this trashy movie.This write up/review is just an outlet for the emotional frustration the writer went through while watching the movie..which she considers a personal affront and an insult to even average intelligence.She claims she is not done with this movie..this is just a beginning of what she calls”I hate this movie…and hate you too if you have anything nice to say about this movie” series..of write ups.

 

There is also a plan of writing abt a spoof on the same starring Sajjid Khan and involves a plumbing piece.Lets see how that goes.

And of course I will list all the technical and logical mistakes in the movie.

 

MOVIE:Fanaa

CAST:

Kajol……Zooni the loony…romantic bat..sentimental bhartaiya naari…and eye-batter at the camera

Aamir……Rehaan(M)/Sajjid Khan look-alike

Pesky kid…pesky kid called Rehaan(S)

Rishi Kapoor…..Fat chubby..drunkard Dad of Zooni;Also late bloomer,dumb romantic buffoon

Kiron Kher………Loud mushy-enough-to make-you puke mom of Zooni

Tabu……….Tyaagi,a super smart aaj ka naari with a shrill voice

And many others whose only intention is to get on your nerves

 

DIRECTOR:

Kunal Kohli…the man who tops my “wanna torture and kill” list.
After distorting”When Harry met Sally”..he has now made a cheap version of “eye of the needle”.

 

Take a blind girl. Now to make her irritating..make her unbearably chirpy and teenage type mushy.

If you thought ,Michelle mcnaly..the twitching blind girl(in Black)

who walks like Charlie chaplin..was irritating..then I suggest that you shouldn’t even look at zooni.

 

Now Zooni the loony, by herself is irritating by her over-brightness..”I am so in

love with world” attitude.. but her parents(two crazy love birds played by Rishi Kapoor

and Kiron Kher.) are a diff kind of nutcases all together.

They are so madly in love with each other..that they hope that even their

daughter.. finds what they found…her “shehzaada“.

 

Now they are faced with a dilemma every parent dreads!

whether to let their blind daughter go to Delhi to dance in the rashtrapti

bhavan on Jan 26 and find her shehzaada or keep her close to their bosom!

 

Now..lets take a moment shall we? She goes to Delhi for a week…practices so that she could dance in

the rashtra pati bhavan..and comes back..what makes her parents think she will find her shehzaada???

were they hoping that she would fall for kalam(being blind…his bad hair style wouldn’t bother her overtly)

 

That’s where we sensible people are wrong….In our movies..the heroine always finds her shehzaada..even if she is stranded on pluto…

 

Even in the railway station….all that crazy mother and loony daughter talk about is what she will tell her shehzaada!!!She keeps wondering about her shehzaada..or how he will be..blah blah!

In this days of women emancipation…portraying a girl to be this single minded bufoon..is an insult!

 

She comes to Delhi with three unimaginably dumb girls and one irritating matron. Why Lilette dubey

accepted that role would be added to the list of unsolved mysteries.

Now, though they have come to dance in the Rashtrapati Bhavan…all these girls care about is sight seeing.

Looking at them I wonder, why they made us practice for 5 months in our school just to dance in front of the city mayor!

They have come one week before the actual day..and the main dancer which happens to be our blind girl….is being taught the basic steps of the dance!

 

Till I saw this movie, I was under the impression that I was a pretty romantic person…but now, anymore talk about “shehzaada” would goad me to murder!

 

 

Now there are 5 ladies …people like me would hire a taxi for that..but these super smart gals decide to go around a big bus..

You say they are people who like their leg space..okie!

 

Now, enters a very irritating “tamilian -impersonating” guy who was for a very long time sajjid khan’s sidekick!And just when you think you want to murder him..the director thinks..lets give them a choice of victims and in comes the “sorry meri lorry” chap doing a Rajesh Khanna impersonation.

 

Stifle your yawns..for the movie is only beginning.

 

When everybody is wondering where the guide is..they hear a guy telling some shayaari he read in

some forward! Lo, its our own Rehaan the bejaan on the bus..who after mouthing the pathetic words..jumps from the bus.

Any hope you have of him falling and breaking his skull are dashed when he

gets up and looks at our blind ever-smiling heroine…and falls in love!

 

And he being a guide throws all convention out of the window..flirts with our blind romantic psycho nonstop..mouthing crappy shayaaris every 3 sec…and this blind bat conveniently falls in love.

 

Between all this crap..you suddenly wonder what went wrong with Aamir Khan post RDB.His cheeks are puffed and he has the grossest pot belly. For a second

you wonder whether he forgot to take his coke ad make up off…but no! he has put on enough flab to make a pig blush with embarrassment.

 

So after an exchange of pathetic poems…our blind gal is convinced that this guide is her “shehzaada”….and blinks her eyes at the camera knowing that the whole nation loves her eyes.

 

now Rehaan the bejaan wants to take zooni the loony around Delhi and after many boring dialogues/fwded shayaaris our hero and heroine are enjoying themselves..though people like me are withering in pain due to mental trauma.

 

There is also a sardarji security guard who makes dumb jokes..but lets not talk about him…and so finally the day of dancing comes forth.Our loony makes a pretty speech and imagine! in a big auditorium..dances and sings a plastic patriotic song without even a mike..talk of voice power!

 

And after many such trivial non-happenings…the day comes for our blind loony to return to the hills…and our guide who till now flirted with her shamelessly suddenly has a guilt pang..and does what our Heroes do best-disappear.

After some very tense moments our heroine just goes to him and mouths another shayaari..which melts all his guilt and he promises her some good time.

 

So they have a moonlight dinner…and Aamir’s pot belly in rain is grosser than imagining hippopotamuses doing salsa!Well,they get physical and look so uncomfortable you get a feeling that they both are wondering whether Ajay Devgan is going to pounce on them anytime.

Anyways our smart blind gal gets up and is all set to go..in the morning..after a teary farewell in the railway station she boards the train..all the girls are crying for the fate of their blind friend.The train moves out of the station….and but when she hears another shayaari-she turns to find her prince standing there in the train.

They pull the chain and he carries her down.What a cliche you think?This movie is full of them..read on!

 

She calls her mad parents and tells them that she has found her prince and her sensible parents have only one thing to say “Hum aa rahehe beta..tumhari nikaah karvaane ke liye”.

But before they even come down from Kashmir, Our dear Rehaan has her eyes checked and in a few mins..the doctor is ready to operate on her eye!!!Talk about deligent doctors….

She goes into the operation theatre and asks Rehaan to fetch her parents.

 

Now, kunal kohli…sneers at the poor audience who thought this was an out and out boring love story….So, there is bomb blast which kills many people.

 

Back in the hospital, our loony who is blind no more…opens her eyes..only to see the harassed faces of her parents she blinks at her dad and makes a face as if to say”man!didnt know my dad was chubby” but before she can voice her opinion on his dietary habits…she is taken by two policemen to identify the dead body of her lover. She screams and cries. and tries to prove that she is still the queen of histrionics..

 

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn..

 

In the bomb squad..there is a talk of some rohini tyaagi..who turns out be our own Tabu with her ultra shrill voice…I forgive her for taking this role..one needs money!

anyways she tells us about the new kind of militant fighting for a free kashmir..who is smart..savvy..cool headed and they show diff angles of a man who is walking into the airport..

there is chill down your spine..and you wonder who it may be..gulshan grover..shakthi kapoor…Imagine your chagrin when its actually our Rehaan whom you thought was dead!!!Rehaan,the bejaan—->Rehaan(M)

 

In what is probably the “pure-crass” scene of the movie..he stands on the balcony..takes a picture of Kajol and tells “forgive me Zooni..I fell in love with you” and tears her photo and goes to Bangkok.

Rehaan is actually a puppet in his Naana’s hand who keeps calling him from snow-peaked mountains..with a few bufoons..who lift their guns and cheer after every phone call.

 

So seven years passes…and our efficient CBI are still searching for this elusive militant..who now has sown the seeds of terror in Madrid, Karachi…indonesia..US..ever imaginable corner of the world.

You may wonder…why would a guy fighting for free Kashmir blast bombs in Madrid..but,We audience are not supposed to question the ways of our heroes.

 

So…we have a super serious Tabu explaining that the militants now have a nuclear missile but all that they need is a trigger.So the CM says get all the 6 triggers in Delhi so that we can safeguard them better.If I were a militant I would steal it from Pakistan if I go by how corrupt the officials are over there…but our hero decides to do it the dumb way…

Tabu being the smart person she is guesses that the ominous militant would try to steal the trigger when its own its way back to Delhi.

As of his to scare the bejeepers out of the audience…..Rehaan(M) is now playing football with the Indian army officials..He has infiltrated the IAF,that clever fox. he goes by the name of Ranjeet Singh and is the most trusted by the head of that elite commando force.

 

What our dear Kunal Kohli doesn’t know is…for his height..Aamir Khan wont be eligible for IAF!Morever if he is impersonating someone else..wont anyone guess that this guy is not him?

Anyways…he poisons all his fellow army men in the helicopter who were getting the trigger and jumps off the helicopter and starts skiing down the slopes of Himalayas…and you wonder if even such intense physical regimen had not helped him lose the flab..there

was no way your half an hour workout would help you lose those extra pounds!

 

The Indian army immediately reciprocates and sends commandos after comandos..I am sure every one in our army has short sight..or like me, they cant aim. They have big scary looking guns..and not one of them can aim!

But our short hero….shoots all of them with a small pistol.

He even manages to blast a helicopter while skiing…but gets stabbed by a soldier. As if a mere chest wound would deter him..he walks through a snow storm and knocks on a door.

The door opens slowly and he sees the face of zooni..who screams “Reeeeeeeeeeeehan!” and he falls unconscious.And before you scream “Hey!she didn’t know how he looked!”…a small head pops out and you know…the smal head is that of the militant’s son!!!

In our movies, it does not matter that the chances of conceiving on one-night stand is 2%.

 

This is the story till intermission…and you are wondering whether if you go home..if you can still catch the re-re-run of Friends before you hit the sack…but then you

remember the hard money which went for the Tickets….and you settle back into the chair..so that the feeling of doom can settle all over you again.

 

Post intermission…thankfully the loony’s mom is dead..and her father is drinking to his grave. But anyways they take good care of Rehaan(M)…having no idea that he is her long lost lover.

But Rehaan knows that fate has brought him back to zooni’s arm.

Slowly he falls in love with Rehaan(S) and becomes a part of the family and one day tells Zooni that he is the father of her kid.

He tells her that he was on a secret mission and apologizesfor all the pain he caused. After some tears and long dialogues..and throwing things around she being the typical bharatiya naari forgives him.

So they lead a happy married life..and our Rehaan(M) is immersed in wedded bliss since he cant communicate with his Naana, as Tabu smartly has all network blocked.

She also seeks the help of media and all the news channel and flashes that a militant on the run..and the drunkard FIL watches the news but in his alcohol haze is
not able to make out that its his own son-in-law they are talking about.

Ya,before I forget..even after being there for so many days..Aamir continues to loiter around in the army outfit…probably the idea of him smelling like a skunk

didn’t cross his mind!

 

Two dumb songs later..we get to know that there is a colonel near by…and he has a radio transmitter.

So rishi kapoor promises to take Rehaan(M) to the colonel’s place for him to get in touch with the army base. Of course Rehan(M)’s devious plan is to radio his Naana.

But unfortunately his late-bloomer FIL sees the nuclear trigger which he has kept carelessly in his pocket and realizes with a dread that he has a militant in his house.

 

So he takes him to the colonel’s house and the smart drunkard he is. gets close enough for Rehaan(M) to grab the gun. and tells him his game is over. Naturally Rehaan(M) jumps on him…but even though he is a drunkard..his FIL

is as strong as a hippopotamus !So they fight and Rishi kapoor slips and falls into the cavern and dies.

 

Rehaan(M) acts like a mad dog with too many fleas for 3 mins..and his mourning over goes inside and radios his Naana giving him the place to pick it from.

But the colonel catches him in the act and he dies too.

 

By this time..our zooni is smiling and getting water and imagine her shock when she her Dad’s body floating below the ice….The great actress she is she screams till her voice grows hoarse and ears scream mercy…and then goes home and waits for beloved hubby.

When he returns he lies to her that he is drinking rum with his friend…she wonders “ya,with snow men probably!” and realizes in a split second that her husband is not only a liar but also a militant who killed her drunkard daddy.

She runs inside..gets her sleeping baby and takes the jeep and flees. ..and goes to colonel’s place.Rehaan(M) sees her and starts running behind her.

She by that time radios the IAF and talks to Tabu who gives her some crap about saving lives. This loony nods her head and promises that she would not give the nuclear trigger at any cost.

By that time Rehaan(M) is banging on the door..and she coolly opens the door…and he convinces her that his Naana is a dangerous man and she hands him over the nuclear trigger.

By that time his Naana comes in the helicopter and Rehaan(M) walks out to hand over that trigger which looks like a plumbing piece.

 

Our loony suddenly remembers her promise and runs out with a gun…and asks him to stop..but naturally he doesnt.There is a flashback of all the crappy shyaaris they exchanged before and she shoots him.Tabu takes the cue and shoots the Naana

and you are surprised and kind a glad that you soul is strong enough to survive through this ordeal.

The movie is over and you are sitting there thinking whether she shot him for the nuclear trigger or the all the shaayaris..or the gross pot belly..or the smelly suit he wore all day!But I think its becoz she knew what a mess it would be to have both husband and son with the same name…so one had to go!

 

This movie has so many flaws. I can make a movie on them. A pathetic story…lousy direction…I do admit that Kajol looks pretty…but I guess anyone would look pretty in front of the haggard picture of Aamir.Looking at the track record..this movie will be a hit…just like Raja Hindustaani and Koi Mil Gaya..but I will still HATE you if you like this movie

I will probably write another blog about all the mistakes some time soon..but as of now..I have a bad headache..recalling the torture..so I will sign off!