What is worse?

-A great movie going unnoticed

- A bad movie becoming a hit

- A mediocre movie being called “different” and “intelligent story telling”

I personally pick the third option. Time does justice to great movies. After all, “Citizen Kane” was a flop when it was released. Nor did anyone realize what a gem “It’s a wonderful life” was when it was released. And without the ability to charm and awe…no blockbuster will stand the test of time.

But a mediocre movie after getting tagged as “charming and different” will refuse to die down. Years later when they talk of this decade…they will still talk of this movie.

Then I ask myself…should it matter so much? There are so many things which gain popularity which you don’t understand. But it does. I love movies way too much to turn the other way. If you liked “Jab we met” stop reading right now. If you are a fan of Kareena Kapoor or Shahid or like watching Amitabh Bachan in every movie/commercial…pleeeeeeeeeeease stop reading right now! If you want a fair and factual opinion about this movie “Hahahaha!” to you!

I am just venting my anger baby!

In all fairness, this is not a movie I would have written about. But then again this was not a movie I would have watched if not for the rave reviews it got!

“Jab we met” (JWM) is the second directorial venture of Imtiaz Ali. His first movie, “Socha Na Tha” was a pretty decent affair. JWM is a hit and people everywhere just love it. But then they also loved “Raja Hindusthani” and “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai”…sooooo…

Let’s not forget tradition-

Aditya-Shahid-The poor little rich kid…who sulks around and thinks staring into the wall is being intense. He has the “I am being dumped in real and reel life” look! The only one who can sulk and claim acting capabilities is Ajay Devgan! Shahid just looks drugged.

Geet- Kareena- Watching Kareena makes me appreciate Arjun Rampal so much. That guy can’t act and probably knows it. But Kareena can’t and doesn’t know it. Give me ‘wooden’ any day over this eyes-popping, cute-facing making, nonstop chattering, “I’m so sexy, no?” crazy lady!

And a recent study has proved conclusively that Kareena Kapoor is responsible for half the noise pollution in India!

Scary old Grandpa-Dara Singh- Will we ever realize the damage Amitabh Bachan has done?!?

The very “original” story goes something like this-

Once upon a time,there was a sad bunny and a loud girl.

Oops! wrong story…

Aditya’s father, a very rich industrialist has died. His mother ran away with someone else when he was a kid…which left him emotionally stunted. Over that his only girlfriend dumped him to marry someone else. If this isn’t enough to reduce everyone in the audience to tears, I don’t know what is! But I was smiling…no tight shirts which emphasize “I have Hrithik’s body, Shah Rukh’s face, Prabhudeva’s agility and a rabbit’s teeth” look which is his standard avatar.

Sulking dud Shahid is any day better than the cool dude Shahid!

A few years back, there was a movie released called “Khushi” starring Kareena Kapoor and Fardeen Khan. I had headache for two days after watching that movie.After that movie…whenever asked to play a bubbly girl, she goes back to playing Khushi!

These two meet in a train…get lost a zillion times…she talks to strangers, gives Aditya some gyaan on being bindaas…is innocent and impulsive…screams at the top of her voice…changes his outlook towards life and is generally adorable! If adorable means annoying that is!

Some more crap happens and the story ends with a very uncomfortable kiss!

Tell me what is different about this movie? I am all for mindless romances…I am willing to imagine that a millionaire will fall for a pretty hooker. I watched starry eyed as a famous actress fell for a clumsy London book shop owner. I fell in love when SRK said “bade bade desho mein aisi choti choti baatein hoti rehthi hai” in DDLJ. Heck! I cheered Ravichandran with his crazy mop of hair and yellow pants when he wooed Juhi Chawla in “Prema Loka”!

But “Jab we met” is not romantic or funny or clever and is definitely not different! Nor did I see anything special about the treatment .Tweak the story here and there…and take out all the color and Bhansali madness, the plot is very much like HDDCS (The sweet intense guy taking the heroine back to her lover)!

When I complained, I was advised not to analyze the movie too much and that it’s just a feel good movie and blah blah blah…I am not trying to do any of that. Want to watch a feel good movie…go watch “French Kiss”.I will even settle for “Salaam Namaste”.

And what’s with all this crappy kissing? Let’s go back to the time when we showed two flowers rubbing against each other or a bee buzzing around some flower. A flower wouldn’t look half as uncomfortable as our actors do, even if it had to waltz around with a mulch machine!

Why does Bollywood try to sell dumb characters as bubbly and chirpy girls? We may not know the Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle (actually many of us do) but we definitely are not THAT dumb!

When will we start showing our leading ladies as creatures of mystery and intelligence? When will a smart, witty, sexy and classy heroine grace our movies?

Will there ever be a Punjabi family in our movies where no one would talk at the top of their voices or break into songs every three minutes? My friend is a Punjabi who is sweet and soft spoken…and I have never seen her dance!

Will there ever be a serious leading man who won’t take out his glasses and chew at its edges when he pretends to be contemplating?

And if I ever make a movie, the hero won’t play the guitar. He will play the “tabla”.

A billion stories waiting to be told. And people get up and cheer for this?!?

There are a few moments in this movie which are alright. But I won’t recommend a crummy restaurant because they serve tasty pickle.

They said that Bollywood’s hope rests on the new breed of directors. And long, long time ago, Emily Dickinson wrote “Hope is the thing with feathers”.

Imtiaz Ali just shot that feathered creature down.